


After a Time

by awaytobeunshaken



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Don’t copy to another site, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 08:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awaytobeunshaken/pseuds/awaytobeunshaken
Summary: Ten years after his partner's death, Paul Stamets has found new work, a life away from Starfleet, and he's even learned to love again. Then the moment he's dreamed of so many times threatens to unravel all of it.





	After a Time

**Author's Note:**

> Written before season 2, ignores any events/plot developments therein.

The first year was easier than he expected.The well-meaning smiles and glances, the awkward small talk from people he barely knew, the far-more-frequent calls from his mother: they didn’t let him forget what had happened, and he could wrap himself in that pain like a blanket, or a suit of armor.

But as the first year dragged into the second, what struck him wasn’t the moments when he suddenly remembered Hugh was gone, but the moments when he didn’t. The day he walked past the door to sickbay five times without slowing down or speeding up or giving it a nervous glance. The time he ordered dinner in the mess hall without thinking of how Hugh would tease him about his bland palate. Eventually, life without Hugh became just Life.

“I used to see him everywhere. Now it’s like he’s slipping away.”

“I think that’s just healing.” Tilly replied.

“Then I don’t want it.”

“Isn’t it just your mind trying to do what’s best for you, though? Dulling the pain, even if you try to fight it, so you can go on with your life?”

“I _had_ a perfectly good life! With a man I loved.”

“Okay,” she whispered, looking at the ground. “I’m not helping, am I?”

“No, you’re not. That isn’t your fault, though.”

 

As it turned out, she was right. Rewatching old messages was losing its appeal, and were more likely to invoke a smile than a sob. Still, the third year wasn’t all that much better. Nor was the fourth. He lived almost by rote: food, work, sleep. Occasional socializing, if only so Tilly wouldn’t worry. Proceeding through the motions of life, because what else was there to do?

In the fifth year, at a post-conference reception, Tilly convinced him to talk to someone. She’d recently been promoted to full Lieutenant and had had a couple of glasses of wine and was clearly feeling emboldened.  So he went, and they had a few drinks, and it had honestly gone okay, until Darrell invited Paul to his room.

“No.” Paul backed away, his hands suddenly shaking.

“Okay,” Darrell replied, surprised by the intensity of Paul’s reaction. “Sorry. You seemed interested...”

“I was! I mean, I thought...” The words came almost on their own. “I just... haven’t been with anyone since my partner died, and hookups aren’t really my thing, and I just _can’t_.” He hurried out of the ballroom.

“That was a disaster,” he muttered as Tilly walked with him back to his room.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaked.

He shook his head. It had been almost... freeing, to say it out loud. Not in the clinical setting of a counselor’s office, or with knowing friends who weren’t quite sure what to say. To mention Hugh like that to a stranger, and admit that the loss was as much a part of him as Hugh himself had been. “Don’t be. It had to happen sometime.”

And something changed after that. He stopped glaring at anyone who sat near him during a meal. He did more of his reading in the lounge rather than in his quarters. He even took leave from time to time.

It was during one of these leaves, at the botanical gardens on Archanis IV, where he met Farid.

“The leaves are fascinating, aren’t they?” he said.

Paul looked up. He hadn’t even noticed the shimmering gold and purple of the leaves. “I was actually more interested in that.” He pointed at the almost luminescent mushroom sprouting from the tree’s trunk.

“Well, to be honest, I was just making conversation. I grew up near a _saryel_ forest. What really caught my interest here was you.”

Paul froze, waiting for his body’s involuntary reaction: the shaking hands, the churning stomach. It didn’t come. He tested his breathing. One breath, two, normal. He smiled. “Do you use that line on all the boys?"

The man laughed. “I’d wager it’s been many years since either of us could be considered ‘boys’.”

“Well, it’s been many years since someone’s used a pick-up line on me, so you’ll forgive me if I’m a bit rusty.”

“In that case, what would be a more egregious cliche, if I ask if you’re from around here, or if you come here often?”

“I mean, I could just tell you.” The man was heavyset, with dark hair and beard, and skin a few shades lighter than Hugh’s. Paul was grateful for the differences. “I’m taking a couple weeks shore leave. I heard about the gardens here and wanted to check them out.”

“Starfleet?” Paul nodded. “And are you spending all your leave here?”

“I hadn’t planned to, but I could.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the gardens. Farid invited Paul to dinner two days later, and drinks a few days after that.

“This isn’t exactly my scene,” Paul said, motioning to the overhead speaker. A bass-heavy dance mix poured out at them.

“Hmm.” Farid pulled up the jukebox listing on the panel at their table and began to scroll through. “Perhaps something a little slower... perfect.” He took Paul’s hand as the music trickled down from overhead.

_I could lose my heart tonight, if you don’t turn and walk away..._

Paul let Farid pull him close as they fell into time with the music, but it felt _wrong_ somehow. Suddenly it wasn’t Farid’s body against his, but Hugh’s. Hugh’s arms around him. The room was excruciatingly hot. He couldn’t breathe.

“This was a mistake!” He pulled himself free and ran outside. The air was thankfully cooler here. He sank to the curb and tried to control his breathing.

Seconds later, Farid sat beside him. “Paul, are you okay? What happened?”

Paul took a few more breaths before speaking. “Hugh and I used to dance like that.”

“Who?”

“My partner. He... I lost him. In the war.”

“The Klingons?”

Paul nodded. “I know, it’s been ages. He’s been gone now for longer than I knew him, but... damnit, I thought I was ready!”

“You must really love him.” Paul nodded again, belatedly noting the use of the present tense. “I haven’t been where you are, Paul, and I can’t know what you’re going through, but I know it can’t be easy. What do you need?”

Paul looked up into Farid’s brown eyes. It had been a long time since anyone asked him that. “I think,” he paused, “I need... time, mostly. To figure out how to navigate all this.” He chuckled. “I might actually cut my leave short, save the rest for another time. Because I _do_ want to see you again. If--”

Farid nodded. “I’d like that, too.”

 

So they took their time, and as Paul got used to looking forward to a different face on his vid-screen, they started chatting every day. Within six months he was paying Archanis IV another visit, and after that he began carefully rationing his leave in an attempt to balance the duration and frequency of his trips.

He’d been keeping an eye on the planet’s job listings for awhile; there was one at the university that looked promising...

“I’m gonna miss you.” Tilly’s eyes were damp, but she wasn’t quite crying yet.

“You can always get me on subspace.”

“It won’t be the same, here.” The tears began to fall.

Paul pulled her into a hug. “I’ll miss you, too. Lieutenant Commander.”

She jerked her head up. “How did you know? It’s not official, yet.”

“You’re going to be a department head, it only makes sense.” Paul stepped onto the transporter pad and smiled. “Besides, who do you think recommended you?”

 

* * *

 

 

Paul snuggled closer to Farid on the couch. Between classes and some unexpected developments in the lab, it had been a long week at the university. It was a simpler life than he’d had in his time with Starfleet, or the lab on Deneva. Still, he had a partner he loved, and work he enjoyed. It had taken a long time, but he was happy.

The wall comm buzzed, with Paul’s signal. Farid put his arms around Paul. “Ignore it,” he muttered.” Paul was only too happy to.

It buzzed again, this time with an urgent tone. “Shit!” he sighed, and wriggled free from Farid’s grasp. “Computer, answer.”

Commander Tilly’s face appeared on the screen in front of him. “Paul, I’m so sorry to disturb you, I wouldn’t have made this urgent unless it really was, but I thought you would want to know right away...” She continued to ramble, reminding him more of the young cadet he’d met ten years ago than the confident officer he’d left behind. “...and besides, you’re still _technically_ his emergency contact.”

Paul froze. _Emergency contact._ The only person that applied to was sitting beside him. Unless...

_Hugh. Are you trapped in the network, too?_

“What happened?” he managed to say, though his mouth had suddenly gone dry.

“There was a security alert, in the old cultivation bay? They sent a team down to check it out, and... they found Doctor Culber. Somehow he was... he’d been trapped in the network, and with the residual spores in the bay? I don’t know exactly how it happened yet, but he’s here. He’s alive.”

If Tilly continued to talk, he couldn’t hear it over the pounding in his chest. He could barely make out Farid’s voice beside him. “Okay, send them over. We’ll call you back.”

He turned to Farid once the call was ended. “I have to see him.”

Farid nodded. “Of course you do.”

Hugh had been discharged from sickbay and assigned guest quarters by the time Paul’s transport reached _Discovery._ Paul checked the address on his PADD again as he made his way down the corridor, grateful that the room wasn’t anywhere near the quarters they’d once shared. He stopped outside the door, swallowed, and pressed the chime. _This is it,_ he thought, _this is where I wake up._

The door slid open.

And there was Hugh, looking just as he had when Paul had last seen him. He couldn’t even begin to consider what miracle had managed to bring Hugh back to him. Somehow he was here, in front of him, in the flesh, and for a moment the events of the past ten years faded away as he fell into Hugh’s arms, and they were together.

Of course, the fantasy was short-lived. After a few moments, Hugh stepped back, cradling Paul’s face in his hands. A face that Paul knew had aged more than the ten years that had passed. Hugh pulled him close again. “Paul,” he breathed, “I’m so sorry.”

This time it was Paul’s turn to pull away. “What?”

“In the network. I didn’t know there was a way out. Then when I realized, I tried so hard... but time is so different there; I didn’t know... I’m sorry I took so long.”

Paul didn’t respond. He didn’t have the words. All these years, Hugh had been _trying_ to come back to him, and he’d just _abandoned_ \--

“Paul, say something, please.”

“I need to sit down.” He pushed past Hugh and sank into the seat at the near end of the couch. Hugh sat beside him. “I started seeing someone, a few years ago. He... I... shit. It’s serious, Hugh.”

Hugh nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Hugh stood and turned away, rubbing his hands over his face. “No one would expect you to stay alone forever.”

“You’re saying that because you’re supposed to.”

Hugh kept his back to Paul. “I knew with how much time had passed, that it was possible, even likely. I know it’s healthy for you to have moved on. But I can’t turn off how I feel. And yes, it hurts a little.

“Like I said, time was different there. You’ve had ten years; for me it might as well have been a week since we said goodbye.” He finally turned to face Paul. “I don’t blame you, though. You have nothing to apologize for. I’m glad you found someone. I just--”

“Hugh...”

“Okay, fine. I wish I’d made it back sooner, so you didn’t have to.”

“ _You_ wish?” The words were out of Paul’s mouth before he could even think.

“I didn’t--”

“I had to wake up each morning and remind myself that you were gone. I don’t know how many times I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and had to check to make sure it wasn’t you. And...” And now Hugh was here, and there was no way forward for Paul without betraying someone he loved. Either of them would understand, of course, but that didn’t stop his own heart from being ripped in two. “And I... I... I can’t be here right now.”

“Paul...” Hugh approached him as he reached the door.

“Don’t.” He escaped into the corridor.

Muscle memory took over as soon as he entered the corridor, and even coming from an unfamiliar area of the ship, Paul soon found himself standing outside the engine room. So close to where Hugh had escaped from the network. And maybe that was the answer. If he could get back to the network, find Hugh wherever he’d been before, find a way for him to leave earlier in Paul’s timeline... He keyed in his authorization code for entry.

“Unauthorized user,” said the computer.

“Unauthorized, my ass,” Paul muttered. He entered the code again.

“Unauthorized user. Security will be notified on the next unauthorized attempt.”

“Okay, computer. You win.” He pressed the chime.

The door slid open. A dark-haired ensign, barely out of the academy by the looks of it, stood on the other side. “Can I help you?”

“Yes. You can let me in.”

“I’m sorry, sir. This is a restricted area.”

“Restricted... do you know who I am?”

“No. Should I?” The ensign frowned. He really didn’t. This was ridiculous

“I _built_ this lab. I’m the reason this ship even _exists._ Now get out of my way!” Paul pushed past the ensign onto the upper platform. The room had changed significantly. The reaction cube was gone. It didn’t matter. He didn’t have to move the whole ship. Hugh had been found in the cultivation bay. It had to be possible to access the network from there.

He heard someone call for security. A hand grasped his wrist; he pulled it free. Another hand fell on his shoulder. He felt fingers at the base of his neck. Then everything went black.

He woke up, unsurprisingly, on a cot in the brig. He sat up, catching the attention of another young ensign. She tapped the wall communicator and said, “Captain, he’s awake.” Paul blinked. Had there always been so many _children_ on this ship?

Saru strode through the door a few minutes later. “Mr. Stamets.” Paul looked up. “You are no longer a member of this crew, and you do not have clearance to access restricted areas.” Paul nodded. “Given your history here, and... the circumstances of your visit, I would prefer not to keep you in a cell. However, I will have to confine you to quarters.” He nodded again. Saru turned toward the security ensign. “Restraints won’t be necessary. I’ll accompany him. You may drop the field.”

Paul wasn’t sure how many hours had passed when he heard the door chime. “Who’s there?”

“It’s Hugh. Can I come in?”

“Open.” The door complied. Hugh stepped into the room.

“Paul, I--”

“Don’t talk.” Paul sat up on the couch, and motioned for Hugh to take the seat beside him. “I just need you here.” He slipped his hand into Hugh’s, and they sat like that for a long while, silent, in a familiar scene that wasn’t so familiar anymore. “Do you know how many times I imagined that? Looking up and seeing you standing in the doorway?”

“A lot, I’d imagine.”

“Seeing you in the network, getting a chance to say goodbye, it’s more than most people get. I hoped it would be enough. But there was so much I still didn’t get to say, so much we missed out on. Like-- I was going to propose when we got to Starbase 46. After the opera.”

“I might not have been ready. We still had some things to deal with.”

“What about now? If we picked up where we left off?”

“It’s academic, isn’t it? You can’t just give up the life you have now.”

“I could.”

“Stop it. You’re happy with him, aren’t you?”

“I was. Now I’m just confused.”

Hugh cradled Paul’s hand in his lap, stroking the back of it. “I didn’t ask if you were seeing anyone; I figured that was for you to tell me. Maybe I should have. I could have told Tilly not to call you; just gone back to Earth without disrupting your life.”

“Okay, now _you_ stop it. You’re being ridiculous.”

“I need to go to Starfleet Command; they want to interview me about... all this. But after that, I’d like to meet him. If that’s not too weird. It’s probably too weird. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Everything about this is weird. I don’t know how I would quantify it. But I think he’d like to meet you.”

Hugh pressed his lips to Paul’s temple. “Go home, Paul. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

 

Hugh had booked a hotel room for his stay on Archanis IV. Farid wouldn’t hear of it.

“You don’t have to do this,” Paul said. 

“Of course I do. It would be like turning away family.”

“But he's not. Anymore. What do I do with all this? I got used to a world without Hugh. I never thought about one where he was here, and not a part of my life. Not that... That’s not what I mean. I don’t know what I mean.” _Shit._

“You never stopped loving him. I’ve always known that. Have I ever asked you to apologize for it?”

“Accepting my feelings for a dead man isn’t the same as letting him sleep in our guest room.”

“When you came to stay here, I told you I loved all of you. Even the part that would always belong to him. That hasn’t changed. He can be a part of your life, of our life. I won’t say no to that.”

Paul almost immediately suppressed the swelling in his heart. If he couldn’t give himself completely, wouldn’t he be letting them both down?

“Paul, I can’t know what’s in your heart right now, but I know your feelings aren’t going to sort themselves out overnight.” Farid pressed a soft kiss to Paul’s lips. “I love you.”

Paul was tired enough that night to let exhaustion claim him. Since then, though, it had been much different. A few nights later saw him rolling over to look at the chrono beside the bed: ‘0200’. If he had slept he wouldn’t know it.

The bed beside him was empty. Farid had been turning in later and later since Paul had returned with Hugh.  Paul couldn’t complain; he was hardly decent company at the moment. Here he was spending his days with the two people he’d always been able to share anything with, except, of course, for the one thing that was burdening him now.

He saw movement from the corner of his eye as someone settled next to him on the bed. He closed his eyes and lifted the blanket in preparation to roll over and face the wall.

“Don’t.” The voice wasn’t Farid’s. It was Hugh’s.

Paul stopped. “What are you doing here?”

Hugh reached under the blanket and took Paul’s hand in his.  “You’ve spent the last three days looking like you’re about to burst. And for as much as I can recall you putting on the act, I know you’re not an android. You _feel_ things so strongly. And since you won’t talk to your fiance, we thought I might have a go.”

“How--” Paul wasn’t sure how to finish the question.

“Like you always have. We can even move to vid-screens, pretend I’m halfway across the galaxy if that makes it easier.”

Paul tightened his grip on Hugh’s hand. He was right. The only time Paul had kept anything from him was out of a desire to protect him, and that had been a mistake. One that eventually got him killed. “No. Stay here.

“I love Farid.” Paul avoided eye contact as he said it. “He wasn’t just a rebound, or a replacement, or a second-place finisher. The thought of leaving him pains me. But... you need me.”

“Don’t do that.” Even in the dark Paul could see the lines deepen on Hugh’s face. “Don’t make yourself into a martyr. This isn’t about me. It’s your life, Paul. I’m a grown man, and ten years is hardly a century. I can take care of myself.”

“Fine. I love you, too. I never stopped. It took me so long to get involved with anyone else because I thought that wasn’t fair to them. Even Farid. I felt like I couldn’t really commit to him, not when you still had a place in my heart. Even when he told me he accepted that, it was so hard for me to believe.”

“So now you think you have to perform some bizarre statistical analysis on your feelings, until you manage to determine objectively who you should spend your life with. Which is fucking ridiculous.” Paul shifted his gaze back to Hugh’s eyes. “I’ve seen what’s in your heart, and I know there’s room there for both of us. I won’t make you choose.”

“It’s not that easy. I’m not ready to give either of you up. And I don’t want to lose you again.”

“That wasn’t what I meant. I don’t want you to have to choose _either_ of us. I’m willing to share. If that works for you... for both of you.”

”That’s kind of what Farid said, too. I just...”

Hugh squeezed his hand. “Then believe it. I know you still need time to figure things out.” Paul nodded. “You have it. I need to leave for a while anyway. Go home, see my family. Figure out where I even belong anymore. But what I do know is there’s nowhere I’d rather be than by your side. Wherever that is and whatever it might happen to look like.”

Paul ran a hand over Hugh’s curls and gently kissed the corner of his mouth. “I’ll be waiting.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
